Should We Be Enforcing Mirror Time On Our Daughters?

By BR Kellie

I've written before about my iffiness around allowing my daughter to play with beauty products. When she was a wee dot she saw me applying my daily slap and would cajole and whinge and plead with me to allow her to wear a bit of my lipstick. The answer way always no. Until one day, when she was about three, I caved and put a touch of tinted lip gloss on her lips. 

The same went for nail polish. 'Please, mama, pleeeeeeeease.' 

'No. No. No. Oh, what's the harm in it?'

Cave.

She's a touch older now and it's probably fair to say she's played with most of my makeup - often without my knowledge until I've seen the final results - and quite frankly it's a bit funny to see a five year old covered in blush, with green concealer dotting her chin and highlight all up her arms. But I still maintain my mantra of 'bubba, you're beautiful, you don't need it.' Which then makes me wonder what the heck i'm teaching her about me. Am I teaching her I'm not beautiful? That I do need it? That people who wear makeup have something intrinsically wrong with their face that requires them to hide behind pigments? Honestly. It hurts to be in my brain sometimes.

ANYWAY... I'm getting to the point. Really. Truly. I like to think of it as the beauty quandary. One lot of the great 'they' say we shouldn't push beauty standards onto girls. And I get that. I do. Seeing airbrushed models and thinking that is the standard we need to live up to may well be damaging for some - especially if they don't have role models who can set them straight about what goes on behind the scenes of the advertising and beauty industry. But I love skincare. I love makeup. I love spending decent chunks of time prepping my face with ingredients to soften and smooth it. I adore taking eyeshadows and playing with the on my lids - even though I know no one will see the results due to my wickedly hooded eyes. Because for me makeup and skincare isn't something I do for others, it's something I do for me. I care about how I present myself, because it makes ME feel good about myself. And that's the most important thing of all, right?

Okay, I'm about to get to the crux of the article. Promise.

So recently I read an article on The Guardian about comments author Zadie Smith made regarding her daughter's use of the mirror during the Edinburgh International Book Festival. In a nutshell after seeing her seven year old daughter spending a fair bit of time in front of the mirror getting ready she became a touch grumpy and decided to do something about it. 

“It was infuriating me. I decided to spontaneously decide on a principle: that if it takes longer than 15 minutes don’t do it."

“I explained it to her in these terms: you are wasting time, your brother is not going to waste any time doing this. Every day of his life he will put a shirt on, he’s out the door and he doesn’t give a s**t if you waste an hour and a half doing your makeup.”

After reading this, then rereading it, I had thoughts. All the thoughts. Okay, just a few. And they were classic Kellie sitting-on-the-fence-looking-at-both-points-of-view thoughts. Here we go...

So the girl's brother might not give two s**ts about how much time his sister spends doing her makeup, but why would he? From my limited understanding of brothers they're hardly the type to pay attention to what their sister does or does not do. Especially at that age. Unless it's actively annoying to them.

And so what if the boy doesn't spend that much time in front of the mirror? Why does that mean the girl shouldn't? What if her daughter has an active interest in makeup/skincare/beauty? Could she be quashing a potential talent? Squashing a potential career? I look at my wonderful, creative wee soul who likes to draw patterns on paper and make dresses for her dolls out of it, who likes to take my makeup and dot and swish all over herself and I see the potential as a fashion designer or a makeup artist. 

Sure, there's that touch-of-puritanical part of me that hates that she wants to put on makeup to look beautiful like mummy, but then the creative side of me who had people actively discourage me from a career in writing when I was younger (thank god I was born with a 'screw you' attitude) steps in and reminds me that I shouldn't get in the way of her love of all things creative.

BUT, to be fair, Zadie's daughter is seven years old. If my daughter was spending more than fifteen minutes in the morning getting ready at that age I know that I would be very much like 'seriously, child? Don't you have better things to do?'. So I get that. I just don't think I get the 'your brother doesn't do it' justification for it. 

But if we take it away from the mother/daughter aspect, Zadie went on to say...

“From what I can understand from this contouring business, that’s like an hour and a half, and that is too long.”

At which point I must admit to getting a bit huffy. What's so wrong with wanting to spend time putting your choice of face forward? Some people go bare faced, others minimal, some like full on glam. None of it is wrong. Or should be judged by others.

So then I get all judgey, do a churlish roll of my eyes and think 'well, it's all good if you look like Zadie Smith to think makeup is unnecessary and a waste of time. If I looked like her I'd probably think the same.' Have you seen that woman's cheekbones? Her lips? Those eyes? I think it's easier to pass judgement over others when you've won a genetic lottery...

Then, as I always tend to do, I come to this. It's Zadie's life. They're her kids. She chooses how she brings them up. What rules and boundaries she surrounds them with. She does what she feels she needs to do to ensure they grow up to be well rounded human beings. And I imagine there's something freeing about only spending fifteen minutes max in front of the mirror every day. And to be fair, there are days, where this is the case for me.

But would i want to restrict myself to that limit? No. Not on your nellie. Will I put rules in place for my daughter around this? If I saw it becoming an actual problem that could lead to an image disorder of some sort? I can imagine I would. But if it remained a fun, creative outlet for her that saw her walk out the door with her head high and her confidence blooming? No. I wouldn't. But then that's how I roll, and people might not like it, or agree with it, but that's their problem, not mine.

Just as Zadie's attitude to makeup and appearance is hers. And not mine.

So yeah. How's that fence pole up your bum, Kell? 

Great. Feels good. Loving it. Sigh.

It does make me wonder though... growing up we never had time limits opposed upon us. But did others? Did you? Have you imposed getting ready time limits on your kids? Is it something you'd be likely to do? Do you think we should have an attitude of what's good for one should be good for the other? Or should it be a case - and this is my preference - of feeling our way around each child as they come, giving them room to be who they are? So many thoughts. My head hurts. Pass the Skittles... then chat away...